The Evil Lip Gloss Fiasco
by Raven Wings
Summary: *COMPLETE* Based on a lip gloss incident at school. Jubilee buys lip gloss at the mall, completely unaware of the havoc it will cause...beware of randomness, Jubilee-bashing, and mutilation of characters.


Disclaimer: I don't own any of this. Although I may own the Evil Lipgloss...I'm not sure, I'll have to check. Anyway, the X-Men are property of Marvel, although Marvel shouldn't have them, seeing as they destroy the lives of the X-Men constantly.  
  
Authors Note:This is based on a true story. Really, it is. And it's scary...  
  
  
  
  
Jubilee raced into the war room with a dopey grin on her face. Jean, Cyclops and Storm were all gathered there, and they looked up in suprise at her unorthodox entrance.  
  
"Look at what I got!" Jubilee yelled excitedly. "Lip gloss!"  
  
Earlier in the day, Wolverine had foolishly agreed to take Jubilee shopping. Big mistake. The result? A whole day of following around a crazed hormonal teenager, and telling her that yes he really did like the mini-skirt she bought, and no, she should not buy the tube top. And if she did, it would be over his dead body. And no, she couldn't have a red soft drink. And, to top the day off, Jubilee found in a little shop what she thought was the greatest invention since sliced bread-  
  
Lip gloss.   
  
"Isn't it great!?" she hollered, running around, and around the console in the centre of the room. "It tastes like grape! And it smells like strawberry and bannana! Woohoo!"  
  
"Uh...that's great Jubilee." Scott said a little hesitantly.   
  
Wolverine suddenly stumbled into the room, gasping for breath, which was a very odd sight.  
  
"Ju- Jubilee *gasp* stop!" he managed to say.  
  
"Logan, what's wrong?" Storm asked, walking over to him and helping him stand up. "And how much soft drink did the child consume?" she murmered under her breath to him.  
  
"Yeehaaa!" Jubilee yelled, doing laps off the room.  
  
"None *gasp* s'far as I know. Just *gasp* started acting hyper on the *wheeze* way home." Wolverine said, still struggling for air. "Got home, took off like *pant* a flash. Couldn't *wheeze* keep up with her." With these last words, Wolverine collapsed to the floor, unconscious from oxygen deprevation.  
  
Sighing with annoyance, Storm let him drop to the floor, and wondered what to do about the hyperactive teenager who was currently showing her new lip gloss to Jean.   
  
"I already put some on!" Jubilee yelled. "Try some! It's yummmmmmy!"  
  
"Um, ok." Jean said, looking to Scott for support. Scott just shrugged, and Jean took a little of the lip gloss out of it's plastic pot, and smeared it on.  
  
"Hmm...say, that is pretty good." admitted Jean.  
  
Jubilee raced over to Scott. "Here, your turn!"   
  
Scott started to back away, but one glare from his wife Jean (who was obviously the dominent one in the relationship) made him take a miniscule bit of the lip gloss and put it on.  
  
"Hey, you're right!" Scott said. "This is great."  
  
He took a little more of the lipgloss, and left the room, commenting about the yummy-ness of the lip gloss.  
  
"I'm off to show everyone else!" Jubilee cried out, and she raced out of the room at a speed that would have made Quicksilver jealous.  
  
Storm sighed again. "I notice she didn't offer me any."  
  
*****************************************************************************  
  
  
Rogue put down her book as someone knocked on the door. She opened it to reveal Jubilee, who had a crazed glint in her eyes. "Well, hi there Jubilee." she said agreeably.  
  
"Hiya Roguey!" yelled Jubilee, running into the room, and jumping up and down on the spot in the middle of the room. "Looky what I bought at the mall today! LIP GLOSS!"  
  
"Ahh- yeah. That's great, shugah." Rogue said, a little confused. Usually after a trip to the mall, Jubilee came up and showed her all the new teeny-bopper clothes, not lip gloss.  
  
Jubilee began jumping up and down faster. "Your right! It is great! Try some, it tastes like grape, and smells like bannana and strawberry!"  
  
"Well, sure Ah'll try some." Rogue said, taking the tiny jar. She pulled off her glove, took a little lip gloss, and put it on, then gave the gloss back to Jubilee. "Why that's very nice, Jubilee."  
  
"IknewyouwouldlikeitI'mgoingtoshowittoeveryoneelsenow." Jubilee said in one breath, smearing a little more of the lip gloss on, and running out of the room.  
  
Rogue shut the door after her, and picked up her book again. After a few minutes though, she threw it down again. For some reason, Rogue felt like she had to do something. Opening her door, she started to head downstairs to look for something to do.   
  
Behind her, on the floor of her room, lay a single, cast-off glove.  
  
*****************************************************************************  
  
Jubilee dashed down the hallway to Kitty's room. She knocked on the door once. Then twice. Then she started knocking on it loudly, and continuously. When Kitty finally opened the door, Jubilee pushed past her, and ran into the room.  
  
"Jubilee, I'm trying to do my homework." Kitty said irritably. "What do you want?"  
  
Jubilee grinned. "Just to show you what I bought at the mall."  
  
Kitty's face lit up. "Really? Cool! Did you buy that cute mini-skirt that was in the catalogue?"  
  
Jubilee nodded. "Yep. Yep, yep, yep. Sure did. And I bought THIS!" she held her lip gloss out triumphantly.  
  
Kitty took it, unscrewed the cap, and took a sniff. "Wow, it smells like banana and strawberrys."  
  
Jubilee grinned triumphantly. "Yep. Yep, yep, yep. Yeppers. It sure does."  
  
Kitty eyed her suspiciously. "Jubilee, how much soft drink did Wolverine let you drink?"  
  
Jubilee just jumped up and down on the spot. "None. I wasn't allowed any. Any at all. Any, any, any."  
  
Kitty still just looked at her. "Are you sure?"  
  
Jubilee nodded so fast and hard it looked like her head was going to fall off. "Sure am. I'm as sure as...as...apple pie! Now, try some! TRY SOME!"  
  
Kitty quickly put a little of the gloss on. She was a bit worried about what Jubilee might do to her if she didn't. "Mmmm. Yum. It tastes like grape."  
  
Jubilee nodded again. "YOU'RE RIGHT! IT DOES!" she yelled. "GOTTA GO NOW!"  
  
Jubilee raced out of the room, leaving a very confused looking Kitty in her wake.  
  
*****************************************************************************  
  
Nightcrawler was training in the Danger Room, when the holograms in the room shut off, and all the robots he was versing died. The door of the room opened, and he turned to face the person- Jubilee- with a annoyed look on his face. "Zis had better be good, kleines mädchen." he threatened.   
  
Jubilee nodded, and grinned. "Just wanted to show you what I bought at the mall today. Look, it's lip gloss."   
  
Nightcrawler almost couldn't believe his pointy ears. "Lip gloss? Alvight then..."   
  
Jubilee tossed him the little jar. "Try some!"   
  
Nightcrawler doubtfully put on a little of the gloss. "Hmm, this is nice. It tastes a bit like grapes."  
  
Jubilee smiled proudly. "Yep!" She took the jar back, and put a little more on. Actually, she put a lot more on. Her lips were starting to reflect back light like Cyclops' teeth.   
  
"WellIgottagonow,havefuntraining!" Jubilee suddenly yelled, and ran out of the room.   
  
Grinning, Nightcrawler called out, "Computer, vestart previous sequence."  
  
He trained in reasonable peace for a few minutes, before becoming a bit restless. "Computer, stop ze program."  
  
"The program is halted." came the disembodied voice.  
  
Nightcrawler sat in the middle of the room for a moment. He needed to get out and do something. He was way too hyped up to pay attention to the Danger Room. He BAMF!ed out in search of something to do.  
  
And so it continued. For the next hour, Jubilee ran around the house showing all her lip gloss, and offering it to them, and a few minutes later, all would becoming restless, and would go out in search of something to do. Eventually, the only ones in the mansion who weren't feeling a little hyper were Storm, Beast, Wolverine and the Professor, who was out for the day.  
  
It was about half an hour after Jubilee had spread her lipgloss, that the Professor returned to the mansion. What greeted him was chaos.  
  
Wolverine was recovering from lack of oxygen in the Beast's infirmary.   
  
Beast was making sure that Logan didn't slice up the infirmary in frustration with the highly unnessesary tests that he was running.   
  
Storm was in her room sulking that she had been left out.   
  
Rogue was flying through all the rooms in the house screaming "I'm a birdy, and my name is Drumstick!"   
  
Iceman and Shadowcat had collaberated, and were both phasing into the rooms of the X-Men, and freezing all the beds in the house.   
  
Gambit was starting up what he liked to call 'the World's Biggest Poker Game'- with only one player.   
  
Cyclops was confessing his love for everyone in the mansion except Jean.   
Colossus was trying to see if he could fit inside the fridge.   
  
Jean had gone on a cleaning frenzy, and was using her telekinises to lift up furniture so she could sweep up non-existent dust.   
  
And Jubilee was racing around with her lip gloss, offering it to everyone she saw, which, of course made them more hyper.   
  
The Professor, who had just entered the house, looked around at this scene of horror. **WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?** He asked everyone telepathically. The only person who answered was Jubilee.   
  
**I BOUGHT LIP GLOSS AT THE MALL TODAY, AND I SHOWED IT TO EVERYONE, AND THEY ALL HAD SOME, AND THE ALL THOUGHT IT WAS YUMMY, AND IT WAS, AND IT TASTED LIKE GRAPE, AND EVERYONE STARTED TO PARTY, AND IT WAS REALLY, REALLY, REALLY FUN.** Jubilee told him hastily, while she started her 22nd lap of the mansion.  
  
Professor Xavier resisted the urge to turn around and leave again, and said **JUBILEE, COULD YOU BRING ME THE LIP GLOSS?**  
  
**WHY, DO YOU WANT SOME YUMMY, WUMMY, ZUMMY, NUMMY LIP GLOSS?** Jubilee asked.  
  
**YES, JUBILEE, I WANT SOME DELICIOUS LIP GLOSS.** He lied.   
  
*OK, OKIEDOO. I'LL BE THERE SOOOOOOON!** She yelled through the telepathic link, and Xavier ended it. Being the smart alec that he was, he had figured out that it was the gloss that was making everyone so crazy.   
  
True to her word, Jubilee raced into the room only a few seconds later, carrying with her the jar of gloss.  
  
"HereyougoProfessorXavier,trysomelipglossit'sreallyyummy!" Jubilee yelled at him.  
  
Professor Xavier took the jar of lip gloss, and looked at it uneasily. This was the cause of the problems? The pink, greasy looking gloss seemed to be looking up at him out of it's pot, taunting him, challenging him. Xavier shook his head slightly. Now he was going crazy, and he hadn't even tried it yet!  
  
Jubilee stood there, anxiously. "Well? Aren't you going to try a little?" she asked him.  
  
Xavier put the lid on the lip gloss, and said "Jubilee, I think this lip gloss may not be safe for human consumption. I'm going to take it down to Hank for testing." He said all of this in a slow, talking-to-lunatics voice.  
  
Jubilee stared at him for a second, her lower lip, which was caked him gloss, trembling, and for a moment, Xavier felt bad. But then, Jubilee yelled out, "He's trying to take the lip gloss!"  
  
All through the mansion heads turned, and all who had tried the lip gloss raced towards the source of the voice. Xavier took off, making his hoverchair go as fast as it could towards the lift.   
  
Behind him, the high victims of the lip gloss started yelling war cries, and chasing after him. The Professor willed his chair to move faster, and began randomly throwing mental bolts at the X-Men. Colossus fell to the ground unconscious from a bolt, and Shadowcat stopped to help him out. The next bolt hit Jean, and she collapsed. No one stopped to help her.  
  
Rogue began flying towards him quickly, and Xavier noticed with horror that one of her gloves was missing. As she flew past Cyclops, her hand grazed his cheek. He fainted, and she dropped to the floor, shutting her eyes.   
  
"Damn it, Ah didn't know birds had lethal eyes!" she yelled, and Gambit tossed a few cards at the Professor, before stopping to help her out.  
  
Xavier desperately tried to move faster. He was only a few metres away now. Suddenly, with a loud BAMF! Nightcrawler appeared on the front of the hoverchair, like a big dorky hood ornament.  
  
"Hi zere, Professor." He said cheerfully, smiling wickedly at him.   
  
"Ahhh!" Xavier screamed, and threw a mental bolt at him. Nightcrawler fell off the front of the chair, and Xavier began hastily working the lift controls. The doors opened, and he quickly entered and shut the doors, just as the crazed crowd caught up with him.   
  
The minute he arrived in the infirmary, he got out, and quickly smashed the controls to the lift as best he could with the stethoscope he grabbed off a table. Hank and Wolverine looked at him in suprise.  
  
"Do you mind?" Hank said in a peeved voice. "I'm trying to do a white-blood cell count here."  
  
"Oh no, it's got you too!" Xavier said.   
  
"What the hell has us, Chuck?" Wolverine growled, and Xavier breathed a sigh of relief. "Sorry, I was wrong. Henry, I need you to run a test on this RIGHT NOW!"  
  
Wolverine peered at the lip gloss. "Say, Chuck, that's the gunk that Jubilee bought at the mall today. Smells, doesn't it?"  
  
The Professor rubbed his temples. "That gunk, as you put it, has made all the X-Men go crazy!"  
  
Wolverine frowned. "Really? I haven't noticed anything."  
  
Hank, who was off in the corner reading the ingredients off the side of the pot, frowned at what it said. "Wolverine, what was the name of the store that Jubilee got this from?"  
  
Wolverine thought for a moment. "Can't remember. Some hippy store."  
  
Hank groaned. "It is as I suspected. This is no ordinary lip gloss. I don't know if you noticed, but one of the main ingredients in this is a rare drug that has this sort of effect on people. Prolonged exposure to it, or the consumption of it in large quantities could result in being permanantly changed."  
  
Wolverine's eyes widened. "Really? That explains why I felt a bit funny in that store. Must have been inhaling the junk."  
  
"What can we do, Hank?" Xavier asked urgently.  
  
Beast was already mixing various ingredients together in a beaker. He put it on a bunson burner, then poured it into a cup.   
  
"Is that the cure?" The Professor asked eagerly.  
  
"Hmm?" Beast asked. "Oh, no. This is my coffee." He took a sip. "I can't think without it. Now, about that cure..."  
  
He took out a different, clean beaker, and began mixing together chemicals. As he worked, he talked aloud to himself. "Well, that won't work...but that will nullify that..."  
  
A few minutes later, Beast held up a beaker half-filled with a blueish green mixture. "As was said when the law of displacement was discovered- Eureka! All that we have to do is mix this in with the lip gloss, and when they try some more of it, intant cure!" He chuckled, in a self satisfied way. "I do suprise myself with my own genius sometimes..."  
  
"Yeah, yeah, save the congratulations for later." Wolverine grumbled. "Just add it to the friggen' gloss, and lets get this over with already!"   
  
Hank glared at him, but took the lip gloss and it's cure aside. A moment later, he threw the lip gloss to Xavier and said, "Here, it's ready. Who wants to go up there and give it to our estranged friends?"   
  
All three looked at each other uneasily. None were too thrilled with the idea of going up there. Wolverine sighed. "I'll go." he growled. "Gimme the stuff."  
  
Xavier handed it over. Logan cut himself a doorway in the lift doors (the controls weren't working that well anymore after the Professor's little demolishing job) and he began to climb up the lift shaft. He was halfway up, when a red bolt blasted the doors at the top. "Damned One-Eye." Logan muttered, and continued his climb. When he reached the top, Jubilee yelled, "Looksomeonescomingout!"   
  
Wolverine climbed out, and looked around him in shock. All the X-Men were eyeing him evilly- except for Rogue, she still had her eyes shut. Wolverine found out later that she had absorbed Cyclops' power for a little while.   
  
Wolverine smiled hesitantly at them all. "Uhh, hi."  
  
No one said anything.  
  
Wolverine held up the gloss. "I bought back your lip stuff."  
  
Pandemonium. Wolverine was suddenly surrounded by a bunch of cheering people, all clapping him on the back, and singing his praises. The lip gloss was passed around, and everyone put some on, much to Wolverine's relief. Even the unconscious people had some put on them by those who were willing.   
  
Wolverine slipped away from the action, and went to the pool room. An hour or so later that night, he emerged to find a bunch of slightly dazed looking X-Men wandering around the mansion. Rogue was walking around, asking if anyone had seen her glove. Colossus was asking everyone why he was covered in frost.   
  
Wolverine smiled. Looked like everyone was back to normal.   
  
Suddenly, Jubilee ran into the room.  
  
"Wheeeee!" she yelled. "Com'on people, have some more lip gloss!"   
  
Wolverine frowned. Looks like someone hadn't responded so well to the cure. He grabbed Jubilee as she tried to run past him, and guided her to the wrecked lift. "Come on kid, you need to see a doctor."  
  
"PutmedownWolvie, I'mjustfine!" Jubilee yelled.  
  
After the tricky process of getting Jubilee down to the infirmary, and sedating her, Beast began to run some tests on her.   
  
"Hmm. Fascinating." He said to the petri dish that he was peering into with a microscope.   
  
"What's wrong with her Hank? Why didn't the cure work?" Xavier asked.  
  
"It appears that she has had too much exposure to the gloss before I administered the cure." Beast explained. "There's nothing we can do. She will be stuck this way forever."  
  
"But what can we do?" Xavier asked.  
  
"Well, there is one thing..." Beast said.  
  
*****************************************************************************  
  
It was about a two hours later, at 9:00 pm, that the men from the Salem Centre Mental Clinic arrived. They came into the mansion, took the hyper Jubilee and put her in a straight jacket. All the inhabitants of the mansion came out to watch as they threw her into the back of the van.  
  
"INEEDLIPGLOSSRIGHTNOW!" she yelled."Gimmelipglossit'ssoyummyandittasteslike  
GRAPE!"   
  
The man from the mental home who was in charge shook his head sadly. "It's a real shame, ya know?" he said to Xavier. "After all this time, you'd think I'd be used to seeing crazy people. But it always makes me sad when they're so young."  
  
Xavier nodded his agreement, although inside he was really very grateful to be finally rid of the insane teenage girl.   
  
Inside the van, Jubilee had started running laps as best she could, when she was hunched over, and in a straight jacket. "LIP GLOSS IS YUMMY!" She yelled over, and over as she circled the van.   
  
Finally, the mental clinic van left, taking Jubilee with it, and all breathed a sigh of relief.  
  
"Ah don't know about the rest of you," Rogue said, "but I'm pretty tired after runnin' around the house all day high on that stuff."   
  
The rest of the X-Men agreed, and they all headed up to their rooms for some much needed rest and relaxation.   
  
Iceman and Shadowcat looked at each other guiltily. "So, you wanna go do something away from the mansion for about a week?" Iceman asked.  
  
Suddenly, from upstairs, they could hear Gambit yell out, "MON DIEU! Bobby, what de hell did you do?!" Various other exclamations from the other X-Men could be heard.   
  
Shadowcat grinned. "I think that's a good idea." she said, laughing, and they both left to hide out until all the water damage had been repaired.  
  
THE END.  
  
Look, I know it's a crap ending. Sorry, I couldn't think of anything else. Please R&R though. Much thanks to TheEvilCactus (Lauren) for actually running around at school and calling herself a bird called Drumstick- I borrowed that, though you don't know it yet, and won't know until you read this, hehehe. 


End file.
